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The following article was published in our article directory on January 16, 2013.
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Pathways of Our Life - Part 2

Article Category: Self Help

Author Name: John Wagner, LMHC, NCC

Pathways In Our Life Are Environmental, Spiritual & Connection

A 2nd pathway we take through life is our environmental pathway. The internal mandate we are under in this pathway is to endure or stay alive. If we look at the animals in the forest as they sense danger, they enter a fight or flight mode; if the animals are safe, they have a co-creative relationship. Relationships are very similar to this experience. We run under an unconscious agenda that puts us in fight or flight mode when we experience an event that is unsafe to us both in a life experience or relational experience. If we are emotionally safe in our marital relationship we experience an environment that is creative and passionate.

Neuroscientist, Paul McLean, in his book, "Man and His Animal Brain" considers the three layers of our brain and how they work in our daily lives. One layer is the brain stem which is our source of physical action managing crucial physical systems from reproduction and sleep to blood circulation and muscle response. A second layer is the limbic system. This is the center of our intense feelings such as sadness, delight, worry, rage, stress and anxiety and aggression. The limbic system is a pathway that connects the brain stem and the third layer, the cerebral cortex. These first 2 layers are the source of automatic reactions.

This 3rd layer, the cortex, is the center of our cognitive functions. It makes decisions, thinks, notes, plans, prepares for, reacts, and creates ideas. It is the sensible part of ourselves. This cortex takes in data from the external world through our five senses; eyes, ears, touch, taste, and feel (our skin). This data is sent out through neurological pathways to the limbic system and a determination is developed in an instant as to whether this data is safe or harmful.

Many psychologists think that, exactly what we referred to as the unconscious mind, is housed in the limbic system. The unconscious mind has no awareness of time or its environment. It would appear that exactly what it does register is feelings. When we experience an event that is annoying or hurtful, that data is sent out to the limbic system and we automatically "knee jerk" our habits into fight or flight mode.

We start to learn these behaviors as we develop from childhood and until healing happens, we usually take them into our love relationships in adulthood. Remember, our unconscious mind has only one mandate which is to survive. So when we react to our spouse in a hurtful experience, at an unconscious level, we are attempting to survive. Of course, we are not walking around saying, "oh, this is my unconscious agenda happening, so I am going to scream, throw something, slam a door, or leave." It is called unconscious because we do not experience a conscious awareness of our decisions. Remember, we are spirit, soul, and body. our soul is our will, feelings, and mind. The reason the generational curse is so crucial to break and change the cycle is it impacts our very soul: our will, feelings, and our mind.

Our third pathway is the connection pathway. Keep in mind, those who affect our lives the most are our parents or caretakers. A caretaker is a person who was involved in our development and influenced us either in a positive or unfavorable way. There is a socialization part of this process where we discover ways to deal with the outside world and a nurturing part where there was either a warmth and availability or a coldness and unavailability of our caretakers. Whether the unfavorable experiences affect us substantially as we develop appear to depend on various aspects such as historical timing of our birth, birth order with our brother or sisters, and our hereditary personality which we are born with. Some individuals seem to respond to different unfavorable stimulus while others do not.

Keep in mind, we are raised by untutored parents, who were raised by untutored parents, and so on and so on. Due to the fact that we really are not prepared for parenting except what our models were as we grew up, we will make numerous mistakes and be totally unaware of our child's emotional needs in certain developmental stages. We will provide them far more details instead of affirmations as they develop. This is what we experienced as individuals growing up. Caretakers who knew very little of our developmental necessaries and in many cases failed at fulfilling them. If we experienced deficit nurturing or a smothering experience, we will most likely take that into our adult love relationships and ultimately into our marriage. That is, of course, unless those adverse experiences were compensated for in our development.

If we did not experience this in our own development, it is never late to alter the cycle in the way we parent our own children or even our grandchildren. It is likewise not too late to come to be healed as we discover about ourselves, discover relationship abilities, and enter a deeper level with God and our spouse through connection.

Keywords: relationships, marriage, god, therapy, relationship coach, rebuilding relationships

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