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SpinDistribute.com Article Directory

The following article was published in our article directory on July 19, 2012.
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Be Vulnerable and Connect with Others

Article Category: Advice

Author Name: Joseph Everett

When you hear the word "vulnerable," do you quake? Most of us view vulnerability as a weakness, a liability. We build walls to keep others from perceiving our vulnerable points-- but in the process, we also prevent ourselves from experiencing kindness and connection, according to "researcher-storyteller" Dr. Brene Brown.

In her TED Houston address, Brown explains the notion that while vulnerability is the birthplace of shame, it is also the core for compassion. While studying interpersonal connection, which "is generally the thing that gives purpose and meaning to our lives," Brown said, she saw that the same people who described vulnerability as "excruciating" as she questioned them were those who also expressed shame-- the fear that their "I'm not (fill in the blank)" enough weakness somehow would make them unworthy of association if people found out about it. Ironically, it is this very fear of disconnection that prevents individuals from connection.

"In order for connection, we have to let ourselves be seen-- really seen," Brown said.

However, on the alternative, Brown also found that those individuals with a strong sense of connection fully embraced vulnerability, believing that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. The connected individuals discussed vulnerability in a matter-of-fact manner, neither being something to seek or to fear. Brown refers to this sense of living as "wholehearted," accepting both weakness and strength as critical components that make each person who they are.

So what makes the core difference between people who were connected and those who just weren't?

After six years of research, involving hundreds of interviews and focus groups, Brown discovered that individuals with a strong sense of value and belonging differed from those who struggled from that sense only on one aspect: they felt they were worthy of love and belonging. In other words, the only thing holding people from love and connection was their own beliefs on their worthiness of that love and connection.

According to Brown, these wholehearted people accepted three commonalities:

Courage to be imperfect and to tell the tale of who they were with their whole hearts;

Compassion to be kind to themselves initially then to other people; and

Connection as a result of genuineness, voluntarily relinquishing who they thought they should be to emerge as who they were.

"I realize that vulnerability is kind of the root of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love," Brown said.

So how do we take part in the positions of the wholehearted? Here are Brown's suggestions:

Stay away from the impulse to numb vulnerability with food, drugs, debt, or any other surface distractions. "The issue is ... that you can selectively numb emotion," Brown said. "You can't numb the hard feelings without numbing the assets" like pleasure, gratitude, and gladness.

Quit trying to make certain that which is uncertain by the nature of life. We live in an unpredictable world yet attempt to pin things down to be explicit or sure, and Brown said that raises the cycle of shamefulness, as fear leads to shame of being vulnerable.

Relinquish the drive toward perfectionism, particularly in when raising young people. "As parents ... our job is to look and to say 'You know what? You're imperfect and wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.'"

Take responsibility for actions instead of pretending they really don't affect others. Admitting a mistake might be hard, but it's essential in order to connect.

Keywords: encouragement, networking, support, relationships

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